Kypris's Posts

Last month I wrote about the first part of my journey to manifesting the beloved, and how I met my Spirit Lover. This month I want to share with you the next part of my journey to manifest a nourishing and growthful life partner relationship. Ironically a lot of the work on this path has been about being with myself. When I first met my Spirit Lover two years ago and took vows to give up primary partnership with a human man for a year, I moved into a time of spending 3 nights per week with myself. I knew this would be challenging because I had 3 lovers in my life at that time. But I was determined. I knew that I needed that time with Spirit and with myself, to rediscover who I was. How could I attract an ideal partner without a knowledge of myself? (more…)

Book Oracle

“For us believing physicists, the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.”–Albert Einstein

Lately I am playing with time. Sliding back and forth through past and future, I am walking through day and night dreams. My shamanic muscles are getting stronger—And with that strength comes clearer seeing, and deeper healing of wounds from the past in this life and other lives. I keep wondering how long it will be before I get to the bottom of it all.

My love life has gotten extremely quiet. With all the deep reflection I’ve been doing over the last three weeks, I didn’t miss the presence of men. But now as I am starting to come back to life and to awareness, I’m feeling kind of set adrift. Several of the men I’ve been dating, who are also friends, seem to have vanished from my life. I am trying hard to not to take it personally, but instead to see it as a message about Spirit’s will for me. And here is the pickle: there is one person in particular that I would love to spend time with right now, to reach out to and ask for time together. But with that person there is a pattern that echoes my wounded past. A healthy future me would probably walk away, and let it stay vanished. And in my daydream today I continue to hear this: ”Learn to love what is healthy for you.”

Mercury Quincunx Jupiter

“To say that you’ll be walking a fine line won’t quite do today’s balancing act justice. Your best defense is to listen well and only speak when spoken to.”–astrology.com

Part of this path of inner exploration that I’ve been on includes looking at the things in me that might be contributing to disharmony in relationship. Not only am I spending time learning to love myself instead of needing that from outside, but I’m also learning to look deeply at ways I defend against being vulnerable. Vulnerability is uncomfortable for me, and creates a desire to run away, either physically or emotionally. One of the ways I defend is to talk instead of listening. Today’s horoscope is a great reminder of this, and in fact I was also reading about this defense today in my morning meditation. Clearly Spirit wants me to listen.

So on that note, I want to ask all of you reading this today, how do you defend against being vulnerable, how do you keep your partner at a distance to feel safe? Facebook or email me privately if you don’t want to tell the whole world. I would love to hear from you.

Venus Sesquiquadrate Mercury

“Oh, what the heck. Haven’t you held on to this long enough? Sure you have. Look at your present, and forget the past.”– astrology.com

Actually, I prefer to look at the present and HEAL the past. This is what happened for me last night. I had a powerful shamanic healing last night of the circumstances around my birth. Healing the separation that I felt from my mother at that time, somehow magickally led to healing in the dreamtime with my former beloved. This is unusual because I wasn’t really thinking about him during or after healing, and in fact in all the time that we were together I hardly ever dreamed about him.

But last night he walked through the dreamtime with me most of the night. In dream after dream his high self came in to work with me. It felt like a healing and a closure between us that I wanted in everyday life, that just wasn’t able to happen for some reason. I dreamed of us talking, becoming friends. Of him holding me in a way that wasn’t passionate, but just comforting and loving. And when I woke from this dream I felt happy and satisfied. Like something had been shifted and completed. Aho.

Saturn Square Sun

“Don’t do anything rash. You might feel that you’ll never be able to give or receive affection again, but honestly — this, too, shall pass.”—astrology.com

I have been sitting in the place for a few weeks now of feeling very sad about all the relationships that haven’t worked out so well over the last year. I’ve been grieving through journaling, meditating, walking, and listening for guidance from Spirit. I’ve been feeling rather quiet, and actually am quite happy that I haven’t felt the need to take any action other than just being with myself.

My mentor pointed out to me this morning that this quiet time is in balance with my usual way of being in the world—that I spend so much time with people both in my work and in my play, that it is ok to be in solitude and quiet for a time. She reminded me that I am learning a deeper practice of acceptance than I have ever known before. It was a relief to remember that this limbo I have been feeling stuck in is actually an essential process. This is how I move from awareness about my patterns and behaviors to a healthy place of taking action to change those things. This is how I am getting more deeply in touch with who I am, and what I like, and what I want. I know that this will make me a better partner when that time comes. But the time is not now. And I am content.

Sun trine Neptune

If you glance down and find yourself wearing a pair of ruby slippers (figuratively speaking, at least) don’t be disturbed. Only by clicking your heels together three times can your dreams come true.

Perhaps this aspect in the heavens explains the dreaminess I have been feeling. I have been catching myself staring into space at nothing quite often lately. It’s as if I am trying to part the veil of the mystery around me, to see the truth that lies beneath it. I have been dreaming while awake, while my sleeping dreams have been vague and quiet. If I had the magick slippers right now I would use them to reveal the mystery of love to me, to strengthen my connection to the universal love that is always all around us. For now I am connecting to the world of nature to find more of that love.

Yesterday I took a walk through the oak woods near a river and got reconnected to the sacred waters that flow through the land near my house. I sat on a rock in the middle of the stream and watched the water flowing over rocks and plunging into a stream making bubbles and foam rise to the surface. I thought about Aphrodite, Goddess of Love, and how in her myths she retires to a magickal pool to replenish her virginity. I realized yesterday that this virginity is a euphemism for coming back to wholeness and freedom and self love. That even the Goddess needs to come back into solitude and tend to her self care to support her work in the world of alchemically loving so many. In the foam floating on the surface of the stream, I seemed to see her being reborn, as She was originally born from the foam on the ocean. After my time by the stream I felt renewed and refreshed, even though I had only cleansed my chakras in the water, rather than immersing my whole body. I rested sweetly in the remembering that all of nature is sacred, alive, and filled with lessons for me to learn, if I am willing to listen.

Grand Cross in Aries, Libra, Cancer, and Capricorn

“Now most of us have been feeling the intensification of the “weird factor”, a slippery synthesis of synchronicity and what appear as spontaneous, wormhole events.  The word “angel” means messenger, and at this Cardinal Cross initiation, the acceleration of quantum, angelic encounters can seem a bit daunting to handle, if at the same time inspired with fairy dust magic.”–astralshaman.com

To be honest, my love life and my outer life in general have been extremely quiet for the last few weeks. Through my shaman work, it’s become clear to me that it will not be time for a deep primary type of relationship for several months. Right now, the focus instead is on my teaching in the world, and on loving myself, resting, and getting to know myself better. For the last couple of days I have been in this sort of dreamy quiet place that comes in when I spend a lot of time alone. Even when I go out to be with friends for a little while, I find myself talking less and listening more. Sometimes it feels like I am on the edge of some grand vision or discovery.

The place that I feel fairy-dusted lately is in the world of nature. When I am simply in my yard working in the garden, meditating, or doing yoga, all sorts of odd things begin to happen. My connection to the part of nature that is alive with consciousness seems to deepen. Skunks pass by to say hello and then decide to move in under the deck (skunks are all about respect and learning proper use of your sexual energy). Hummingbirds hover in front of my third eye (hummingbirds are thought to carry the wisdom of the ancestors in my shamanic tradition). Sparrows perch next to me and chatter incessantly (sparrows teach about self love and are sacred to Aphrodite, my patron goddess). I am grateful for all these messages and for the loving and wise connection to nature. My task now is to be as open as I can to hearing them.

Mercury Trine Venus

“What you’ll really be in the mood for is your couch, your bathrobe and your favorite movie in the DVD player. Don’t give in to that urge until tonight.”–astrology.com

Last night I was visited by all the rabbits that have shared my life as companions over the years. In my dream, the rabbits were full of love as I stroked their ears and their cheeks. The truth is that I am a lover of rabbits just as much as I am a lover of men! Rabbit was my first totem animal. She is the soft vulnerable side of me that I show to very few people. In fact, when I am feeling rabbitish, I tend to do as rabbits do in Watership Down: “rabbit underground, safe and sound”.

Perhaps this is all just another way of saying that I am feeling Yin right now, wanting to just BE instead of DO. This is a great time to lie around in the back yard and read or crawl into bed with my laptop and watch my old favorite movies. This is my way of communing with the spirit of Rabbit. The rabbits I have lived with always demonstrated great balance between resting, grooming and being petted, eating, and playing. In this journey I am on to True Love, I am learning to balance these same basic things. Although I am dating, I am learning to focus on ME. Instead of wondering if I am going to have a date or what a certain man is up to, instead each day I focus on how I can love and give to myself as much as I have loved and given to all the men in my life. It is time not only for me, but for all the women that I know to remember that caring for ourselves and creating a life well lived is our most important task.

Mars Trine Mercury

“Don’t worry about your antennae, because there’s no way they’ll lead you astray. The advice of others may not be quite so reliable, but you’ll easily wade through what’s legit and what’s not — as long as you pay attention to the signs along the way.”—astrology.com

One of the side benefits of doing a daily shamanic practice is that my discernment has been getting sharper. I have been doing the powerful practice of feeling into what my HEART wants, rather than what my MIND wants. This has been especially effective in my dating life as I am making decisions about who I want to spend my time and energy with. In the past I often made these decisions from an intellectual place, trying to keep things fair and equal between my different lovers. But these days I am worrying less about what is proper or reasonable, and more about what feels appropriate to ME.

It’s been hard giving myself permission to work this way. My general strategy for life has always been about keeping everyone around me happy so that they will continue to like me. But then I think about how I continue to like my lovers even when they do things that aren’t my preference, or when they choose to spend their time on other priorities. I realize that if I am liked or loved, then I AM, and doing what is best for me isn’t going to change that.

Mercury Opposition Mercury

“Stop moping around, and step away from the old Barry Manilow albums. You’ll only make it worse if you wallow in it. Get out of the house. Now.”–astrology.com

Wow, it’s so great to know there is some astrological REASON that I have been feeling so mopey. I’ve been this way for several days, part of a deep shamanic clearing. I have been working at letting go of patterns and beliefs from several past lives, a process that started just before last week’s lunar eclipse. Over the last several days I’ve been looking at how those past lives are coming into this present one in patterns of helplessness, fear, and despair. Lunar eclipses are all about dissolving old patterns and beliefs, and in this process it has almost felt like all but my innermost CORE has been dissolving and being reshaped into something strange and beautiful.

The hardest part about how I’ve been feeling is both the pain I’ve been feeling in my body, as well as my natural inclination not to reach reach out or budren anyone with these feelings. My totem is the Jaguar, and when I feel deeply wounded I have the desire to find a cave and crawl into it. I may even snarl at anyone who tries to come to my aid. But today I remembered that being VULNERABLE abut what is going on with me, and allowing my partners to be vulnerable too, is a basic part of healthy relationship. I can’t walk around afraid of being wounded and expect to create loving partnerships. Not only that, but sharing what is happening inside of me is usually enough to start raising me up out of the dark pit of despair and sadness. Right now I am in total gratitude that one of my lovers was exceedingly patient today as I poured out my feelings. Not only did he listen, but he followed the listening with some inspirational reading to help support me. Blessings to him for making the time to listen and for letting me expose the deep underbelly of my self in safety.