Absence of Angst

Angst: angst 1 (ängkst)
n.
A feeling of anxiety or apprehension often accompanied by depression

There are a lot of things going on in the world right now that are making it difficult to stay out of fear. I am no different, and when all that combines with a challenge in one of my relationships,  I want to fall into old habits of self-pity and angst. But as with all spiritual growth, there comes a time when I am ready to try something different.

I was driving home from teaching a class one night and talking to a girlfriend on the phone. She commented that I didn’t sound too horribly sad. I told her I was practicing "fake it till I make it", knowing that my emotions would catch up with what I wanted to create: a happy and joyous me, perhaps a less woeful and intense me. Someone who could perhaps roll with life’s punches a bit more easily. As I hung up the phone and pulled up to the curb in front of my house, my headlights revealed a raccoon climbing over the gate to my front yard. I sat and watched him, knowing that it was no coincidence that I’d just talked about "faking it" and then seen a raccoon. In fact, I’ve lived in California for 25 years and only seen a raccoon one other time, many many years ago. I knew this was important.

Animal Spirits are powerful teachers for people on a shamanic path, and I knew the raccoon had appeared to give me a message from Spirit. In fact, I realized that raccoon had been showing up in my shamanic healing journeys in my classes lately, and I had been ignoring him. Consulting my favorite guide, "Animal Speak", by Ted Andrews, I found that one part of raccoon medicine is about masks. Specifically that raccoon can help us to let one aspect of our personality go to sleep, down into the shadow world, so that another part of ourselves can rise up to the light and be born. And that was exactly what I wanted.

So I agreed to try something new with my lover. I agreed to not bring up anything that was emotionally challenging, that would create an intense dynamic in our conversation. This was a big change, because we’ve been having a lot of challenging conversations over the last year. Pia Melody, author of "Facing Love Addiction" calls this "putting the relationship on hold". She says that sometimes couples get into such entrenched patterns with each other that it’s time to put on the brakes, back off, and spend some time working on themselves. It’s essentially a "go to your corners for a time out" strategy. And it’s working.

The first thing that I noticed was that it was a huge relief to just hang out and be pleasant and know that neither of us was going to start any tough discussions. I could just be in the present moment, breathe, and stop worrying. I could let go of my angst, for the moment, and save my need to process emotionally for my girlfriends and my mentors and my journal.

The second thing was even more powerful. I noticed that I was having the best date with him that I had ever had. I’m not exaggerating. At the end of this date I felt full, I didn’t need anything more. We had hiked, wandered through a bookstore, made dinner, made love, played games, watched movies, made love some more, and ended with breakfast. What was even more astounding was that the sex was really fantastic–I was completely present with him, not worrying about how to get him to do anything, or checking out because I was angry with him about something. I was totally in the moment and the moment became ecstatically orgasmic, rolling into a 30-40 minute orgasm. So you see it’s not that we didn’t share things, we just didn’t get into our old patterns with each other.

But there’s another thing I have to be grateful for. In getting myself through the grief and fear that have been coming up for me in letting go of my preconceived notions about what I wanted in this relationship, I have come into a really powerful connection to Spirit. I have increased my daily meditating to an hour. What I notice that longer meditation does for me is to lift the intensity and let me feel the peace that’s underneath it–the Peace segment of "Peace, Love and Passion". And this is exciting, because "Peace" is the part of that 3-part equation that I’ve been working hard at enhancing for a long time. I’ve had a lot of passion and I’ve had a lot of love in my heart. But I’ve had very little peace. And suddenly through this event in my life and through my practice and through the sheer fucking grace of the God and Goddess, I have peace for hours at a time.

In the past I would have been tearing my hair, gnashing my teeth, and eating a lot of ice cream right now. But not this time. In the past I would have had to end the relationship because it would have been too painful to continue. But that isn’t happening. Instead, the magick of another layer of healing around how I relate to men and how I love myself  is coming into my life.

One final new and exciting thing that has come from all of this is the "Four M’s". You might notice that there are a few new types of events on our calendar, "Harnessing Eros, a Manifestation Puja", and "Ecstasy in Motion, a Dance Puja".  In my journey through this latest life challenge, Spirit gifted me with 4 principles for developing unconditional love: Meditate, Masturbate (or Make Love), Move, and Manifest! This is a fun and juicy set of daily practices, (while our "Six Gateways" are learned and practiced over longer periods of time). I try to do each of the 4 M’s each day to keep my heart open and stay in that place of Peace. And what is peace, but the absence of angst?

Namaste,

Kypris
Creating Peace, Love and Passion