Journal 1: Gateway Overview
by Joy
June 6th, 2008
Almost one year ago, right after I returned to San Diego from a short sabbatical in the Santa Ynez valley, I attended my very first puja. I remember how hard it was to attend, how last minute it was and how terrified I felt. I didn’t know why I was going; I just knew it felt like something I had to do. At the time I was simply looking to expand my very tiny social circle of one (me) and I was also thinking I might, just might, find a like-minded, conscious mate to pair up with. I was fresh out of a 16-month monogamous relationship and I felt naked without a man wrapped around my wounds–a human band-aid.
So I mustered up all the grit
I had inside my cells and walked into the room as if I had done it a
million times. This is what I normally do when I try something new and
feel like a fish out of water, and it usually works. I just watch other
people for my cues, and I play it all by ear. One year ago I was still
very much wrestling with my sexual wounds, had a very faint voice, and
my boundaries were a tiny picket fence, the same kind you might find
decorating the yard of a dollhouse. As I sat there faking calm, I was
struck by how free and beautiful and alive both Kypris and Steven Jay
seemed, as well as some of the people in the room. They all had tang,
for lack of better word, an unspoken grace that felt so elemental to
me. They seemed so sexy. But in a different kind of way. Their
sexiness felt rooted in something so deep and so ancient. I sat there
and envied this connection. I thought to myself “if only I could be
this open. If only I could feel so freely sexual. If only I could get
to a place in my life where I could teach shamanic tantra. If only.”
Fast forward 6 months. It is early January and I am sitting across from these two amazing individuals. We are talking about my personal healing path. I express to them how I feel like I might be a sacred sexual healer—a conclusion that came to me after several very odd and powerful experiences with men. We talked about spirit, we talked about healing. Most of all, they listened to me. Spirit filled the room and by the end of our first initial consultation, we had all decided I would be their apprentice. Aho!
Well, six months after that meeting, here I am once again. Even more healing has taken place in my life since January and I’ve been so busy working and letting spirit guide me to and through my lessons, I have hardly had time to really think about how important this first lesson really is. This kicks off a new rivulet in my life. I am committing myself even further to my own healing and to also helping others, further clearing out the channel I see in the mirror everyday. Sacred wow.
Welcome to Wonder
It hits me that this is the beginning of something very big as I settle into the sacred space Kypris and Steven Jay have created. In a flash my insecurities, fears and doubts molest me. “What if I’m not ready to do this?” “What if I let them down?” “What if people at work find out?” In my heart of hearts and in my soul, however, I know beyond the shadow of any doubt that this is my path. This path is etched scrimshaw on my bones.
My initial meeting was review. We explored all six gateways and what I’d be learning and eventually teaching. We each set our intentions for the program and held space for the energy we were creating, which weaved us together in a harmonious tantric quilt. After four hours of review I had one main realization that I had to sit with: I still carry quite a bit of shame and guilt regarding my sexuality. In fact, I had a sense that I am only accessing about 20% of my own personal sexual power and energy. I’m not quite sure what to do with this knowing.
I suppose I will start from square one, which is the only thing I can do. Square one for me is to love myself unconditionally. It’s the same lesson I come back to time and time again. It’s the same mantra I teach my own clients. The number one rule is love yourself. Love yourself through all your humanness. Change your thoughts, change your actions, and be your number one advocate. If I fill myself up with love from spirit and gently roam the road ahead, nurturing my boo-boos along the way, I know it will all fall into place.
For now I connect my roots to earth and breathe in her limitless support. I send an optic cord of light to the sky and breathe in infinite acceptance and safety. Sky father, cosmic mother, stone father, earth mother…the very essence of my journey right now is finding balance in all that is. I am intermingling my sacred feminine with my divine masculine, infusing my cells with pure love. In giving myself over to a higher harmony, I am reborn.
