Journal 2: Connecting to Spirit, White Session

Today my training officially began. We started at the beginning: the first gateway, Connecting to Spirit. This really is the doorway to life, and I’m feeling pretty confident (maybe too confident??) about the spiritual foundation I’ve built for myself, especially over the past 5 years. Great Spirit, God, the Universe, has always been a part of my human experience whether I liked it or not. I grew up in a very Southern Baptist home. The good thing about this was that I learned early on how to connect to God. The bad part—salvation based on guilt, the idea that I am flawed, the judgment, exclusivity…need I go on?

At 15, right after my sweet grandmother died, I went from being a perfect picture of a southern Baptist girl to the church’s worst nightmare. What happened? I discovered humanism and transcendentalism. I started to read about other religions. I began to think for myself. I expanded my viewpoint of God only to get smacked on my ass by the Southern USA’s tiny mindset. So instead of exploring my newfound religious freedom, I turned off all my spirituality for a few years. That worked until I was 21, living out of my car in Los Angeles and fresh out of the grips of a Buddhist computer cult. It was then that I realized—out of a desperate need for survival—that I either connected to spirit in whatever form worked for me or I was going to have a difficult time on this earth.

And so began the beautiful dance with Great Spirit. Or as we say in the south: my personal relationship with [fill in the blank].

As I write this journal entry, “Closer to Fine” by the Indigo Girls is playing on the radio. My skin is crawling with goosebumps. “There’s more than one answer to these questions/ pointing me in a crooked line/the less I seek my source for some definitive/the closer I am to fine.” It really is that simple. All we have to do is surrender.

Checking in

And so I surrendered to today’s process. We were running a little late today, but Steven Jay and Kypris still manage to pull it all together with grace and gumption. This ability to flow and re-route is one of their many strengths, in my opinion, and I love witnessing and learning from it. After saging and checking in, Kypris led an exercise in which we artistically rendered what our concept of God is. This is after I have gloated about my personal spiritual practice. If it is possible to be a spiritual geek, I am one. I’m not sure how holy it is, however, to be this proud of one’s spirituality. I think it must be my competitive nature. Regardless, I intend to stay open to spirit and let go of any attachment I may have to excelling in spirituality. It’s not a sport, after all.

I drew a picture of a rainbow with an infinity sign intersecting it. To me, God is everything and everyone and everywhere. Limitless, undeniable and unconditionally loving. We also got to use some stickers from Kypris’s son’s stash. I used a rocket to express my intentions and a dragon to represent magic, initiation and power. There were exactly 3 dragon stickers and each one of us placed a dragon on our drawings. We all had different reasons for using them, but to me it was significant. We are forming a tantric triad and what better sacred mascot to share than dragon?

Speaking of the triad, we also went on a shamanic journey together. I don’t think it was her original intention to have us all go on a journey in this way, but I got the feeling it was led that way by spirit. This makes sense to me and I personally believe it helps me build community, which is something that’s been very difficult for me. As Kypris led the expedition to lower world, we each met our spirit guides for the training program. I’ve journeyed many times before, but I enjoy being guided by another and it was a profound experience for me.

Sacred Tree, Sacred Me, Sacred Ye

After a much needed food break, we settled into reviewing the sacred tree meditation, which is a cornerstone for the shamanic tantra we practice. I’ve been doing this meditation on my own, but I always have a fuller experience when Kypris or Steven Jay leads it. It’s so important to feel into your own “roots and branches.” I’ve come back to it time and time again when I need to relish my personal relationship with the divine feminine and masculine. The divine masculine in particular has been extremely pivotal and healing for me lately. He feels like boundless starlight energy flowing over my body. It contains me in a way I’ve always longed for and looked for in other people, particularly men. Who knew “it” was there all along, just waiting for me to access it? I never really needed that much bally-hooed “better half” (although I’m not saying a partner is a bad thing). What I really needed was to find my own wholeness. And mama earth…my roots seep into her effortlessly. She feeds and nourishes me and keeps me grounded so that I can open my heart fully.

A note here about connecting to the polarities. I have noticed that, in my own life, this sacred tree meditation has helped me make incredible strides in healing my relationship with my mother and father. The more I feel connected to earth and sky, the easier it is for me to see, feel, hear and experience the honest, pure love my parents have for me. The trick is I must allow them to love me in their manner, not mine. In other words, I have learned that when I am connected to my own spiritual truth and essence, striving for balance, it is easier to see past the ego to the underlying joy and beauty in their hearts. I am so honored to have discovered this at a relatively youngish age.

After connecting with ourselves, Kypris and I moved into a joint sacred tree mediation. We faced each other, breathed into our own roots and branches, and then intertwined ourselves energetically. I then was led to notice the subtleties of this connection and feel into how I was reacting to it and if I wanted to move in closer. It felt very sweet, ancient and expansive to me. Gazing into her eyes took me on a labyrinth tour to a very deep and sacred vista. I experienced a sisterhood beyond sisterhood—a place where all the elements unite and explode into a calm star. I don’t know how else to describe it, other than it was beautiful and powerful.

We practiced reconnecting to self and also released the cords we had to each other. This practice is crucial in helping you retain your boundaries and honor others. It’s not always a matter of consciously pulling back. Sometimes a chakra or energy body has a tough time letting go, so practice is good. It’s fun to feel back into your own connection to spirit and realize in your heart that you are indeed whole.

Blood Sugar Sex Magick

The last exercise of the day made me understand why my very favorite Red Hot Chili Peppers’ song has always been Blood Sugar Sex Magik. Kypris led a manifestation magick exercise. Steven Jay and I connected energetically and we each chose an intention. We shared our personal intentions with each other, mirrored them back and voiced whether or not we felt we could support the other in his/her intention. I will stop here to say that Kypris—who is a master at many things—is a brilliant magic facilitator, for lack of a better word. She morphs into modern day priestess effortlessly and holds space in a way that allows others to drop in without fear. It was in this fearless, empowered space that I learned a smidgen about just how powerful sex magick can be.

Using breath and connection to spirit, Steven Jay and I moved energy up and down and around our spines, bodies and energetic bodies. I lost sense of my physical body and I became breath itself as I filled out the edges of my skin and then the temple/room. I held my own intention and Steven’s intention in my core and watched as it expanded into the universe where another force captured it and infused it with even more light and love. The experience is hard to write about. Suffice to say the intentions are flourishing on another plane where limitations simply don’t exist.

I am still on the cusp of this work and yet I feel profound shifts and changes. Most of what I feel right now is anticipation and a very real and deep knowledge that I have found my calling. I also feel that I will be transforming a lot over the next few weeks and months, and mustn’t be too attached to my ego. Famous last words, right? Aho!