Journal 4: Breathing Love, White Session

In the days following my red session (Awakening the Breasts) with Steven Jay I noticed a curious thing. I was purposely, albeit in a subtle way, distancing myself from him. I thought about checking in with him many times, as we had agreed I would do, but felt a reluctance and resistance to doing so. I was also feeling numb emotionally and physically. When he called me for a check-in, my throat felt blocked. My body tensed up. It took about 5 minutes of chatting before I realized what I was doing. Our session had made me feel extremely open and vulnerable…up until I closed down completely…and I was creating space between us. This is something I do often with people and I am aware of it. It’s my push-pull dance. Love me, love me, love me, but don’t get too close or I’ll run away. Come back! Where did you go? Love me, love me, love me…STOP!!!!!!!!

As my tantric healing practitioner, Steven Jay accessed a part of me few people see. It scared the hell out of me. If he—or anyone—sees me, the REAL me, what will he find? An awful, fat, disgusting creature? A hideous bridge troll? How can anyone love, honor and respect the “me” I keep locked away? How indeed….

So that was my epiphany in between sessions and I shared it with Steven. It was a perfect segue for our next lesson on the second gateway: breathing love.

BREATHE!

Breathing love is a gateway that bridges your connection to spirit with connection to self. Breath itself is uber important, and I think most of us take it for granted and don’t use it as the beautiful resource and sacred tool it is. It is the only means to supply our bodies and its various organs with the oxygen that is vital for our survival. Breathing is also a means to get rid of waste products and toxins from the body. Oxygen is the most vital nutrient for our bodies. It is essential for the integrity of the brain, nerves, glands and internal organs. We can do without food for weeks and without water for days, but without oxygen, we will die within a few minutes. If the brain does not get a proper supply of this essential nutrient, it will result in the degradation of all vital organs in the body. I learned the balming and powerful properties of this instant healing drip the way I usually learn about things…the hard way.

Like a lot of people, I used to breathe shallow and in my chest. My body was locked in several places due to armoring from emotional blocks I had erected to keep me “safe.” The muscles around my diaphragm were so tangled I could not take a deep belly breath without pain. The truth is, I probably hadn’t taken a true deep breath since I was a toddler, when most of us haven’t yet learned the wrong way to breathe. I suffered from dizziness, mental fog, depression, anxiety and many other symptoms of disordered breathing.

My key to learning about breath came with body work, which was crucial for me. I had to get to my emotions through my body. My head had gone on strike and my heart was locked behind layers of false security. I tried trigger point therapy and Rolfing. Both modalities unlocked my body, freed my diaphragm, and enabled me to breathe fully. This new gift helped me use my breath to move all the junk I had inside me, release it to spirit so it could be cleansed and transmuted. Today, I am one of those annoying people who reminds you to breathe when you’re upset about something . I have “Breathe!” stickers strategically placed on my dashboard, mirror, computer screen and telephone. When I am blocking something, which I feel in my body, I know that breathing is the wave of energy that will take me to the place of expression where I need to be. Like an ocean wave, breath beckons you to the brink of the emotion where your fear is almost overwhelming. As you expand your belly, then your lungs and exhale the emotional debris comes crashing onto the shore of the present moment. It is in the present, which is the only time that exists, that you get a chance to be real, heal and connect authentically with everything.

Heart Space

During today’s session we got to talk about the heart, one of my favorite subjects (besides sex and breathing). I’ve done a lot of work opening my heart and the more I do, the more open I want to be. I’ve learned that contracting and closing down always makes things harder. When I am faced with a difficult situation I try to expand my heart energy as much as possible. When I am able to do this, magic happens. My pain transmutes and I shift. Other people shift. It’s beautiful. We opened the lesson with the sacred tree meditation and I made sure I was as grounded in earth as I could be. I believe the more grounded we are, the easier it is to open our heart chakras.

Kypris led us in a beautiful meditation and we drew representations of our hearts. My piece of paper wasn’t large enough. I feel so open and so much love is moving inside me. There is still room for more love, especially directed toward myself. Indeed, I put my name inside my heart art. My heart serves best when it is overflowing with love for self. The more I have, the more I have to give. After a beautiful journey down a rose-quartz encrusted cave, we did another meditation and then Steven Jay and I practiced doing a heart circuit. My heart was so full, I felt as if my breasts were 10 times bigger than they actually are. In fact, I walked around the room holding them. They felt so heavy with love that I had to support them. I felt as though I could shoot love through my nipples at any target I chose.

Another exercise, which Steven Jay and I did after the heart circuit, was to gaze into each other’s eyes and say “I love you.” Sounds simple, huh? Try it. Sit there while someone who is juiced up on spirit looks through your soul, reaches into his/her personal heart space and verbalizes unconditional love to you. All you do is sit and receive this gift. It can be uncomfortable to hear and receive and feel all this love pouring on top of you. I did an okay job, but it was a bit uncomfortable. I felt I needed to reciprocate or validate myself in some way. At one point I surrendered and let this love flow all over me, into me, wherever it wanted to go. And then it was my turn to shower Steven with I love you’s. I took a breath with each sentence and let ‘er rip. After getting used to the feeling that I should be using different inflections, I simply let the words form their own sounds and focused on sending them through my heart.

While the concept of breathing love and being love comes across as a piece of cake in this journal entry, I realize I am having issues with it. I know this because after the lesson, and all weekend, I wrestled (and continue to wrestle) with old eating disorder and body dysmorphia demons. All this love I am letting in is healing me. And it’s uncomfortable as hell. A part of me wants to hide, push everyone away and revert back to what I know…control and isolation. I feel fat, unlovable and out of control. These messages are signals that some core piece of my healing is alive. As uncomfortable as it is to feel so out of alignment with things, I know that I am actually becoming more aligned with my true self. Now is the passage of tearing down to be rebuilt. And I need to open myself up as much as possible to love, breathe it in, and rely on my support system to keep me grounded in truth.