Journal 6: Soul Gazing, White Session
by Joy
July 26th, 2008
It happened a few months after the molestation. Those days were blurry hours of emotional wreckage. I could feel the stark, cold line that had been drawn in my timeline between childhood and its starlit innocence and the frightening beginnings of adolescence pitted with abuse. I was visiting my grandmother and Otis, my step-grandfather and the one who molested me, was acting odd (he was drunk, I later came to realize). I couldn’t reconcile what had happened to me months before with the now-lost connection with this man. Based on the messages I received from my abusive father “you’re stupid, you can’t do anything right, you’re retarded….” I naturally presumed I had done something wrong. A range of emotions percolated in my young, overweight body. I did not know how to express them. I just knew I felt like I was going to die. And I just felt out of place on this planet. Being a child, I didn’t know how to handle these feelings and I did not have an adult I could confide in.
I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My little fat face gazed back at me, my eyes ablaze with raw rage. I was breathing heavy, my heart was spinning and sweat beaded on my brow. All the pent up emotion gathered at the center of my body and in one gale force breath I yelled at the image in the mirror “I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!”
That was the day I split off from myself and entered a world of unspeakable pain, disconnected from my authentic self.
Soul Gazing
The third gateway, Soul Gazing, is about “gaining awareness of our inner world.” It’s about becoming present to your shadow self, and learning to accept and love that part of you deemed unlovable. Kypris puts it well: “Awareness of buried emotion lets you move toward release, and leads to a relaxation of the Spirit. Enormous amounts of energy are freed by emptying our emotional caves. Using the tools of Soul Gazing to release old feelings makes space for you to welcome in joy, happiness, and ecstasy. Amazingly, as you do this the genitals and the heart become more sensitive and alive. When you let go of what you’ve been holding, you become more awake, full of energy, and you begin to experience the true meaning of bliss, and of tears that come from joy instead of pain.”
In this lesson I meditated on that shadow side of myself and began with holding my wounded self, the little girl who took a wrong turn when she reached for support and there was a void. I simply entered a cave and eventually forgot where the entrance was. I went deeper and deeper into that lost darkness and it became home. There is nothing wrong with shadow—it is light’s conjoined twin. However, dwelling in its depths without coming up for air isn’t healthy. Nor is refusing to acknowledge those depths. Soul gazing is one way to literally be face to face with your shadow side.
Mirror, Mirror
After our check-ins, meditations, and creativity exercise, Kypris broke out the mirrors for a solo soul gazing exercise. Steven Jay instructed us to look at ourselves in the mirror and just be aware of what happens. What comes up? Watch it, listen to it, accept it. “Look at yourself as though you were looking at a flower,” he said. “You’ve never seen this kind of flower before and you notice every minute detail.” I then “unnamed” my facial features, giving them space to be something different and new. I sent love to my image and I asked for guidance.
This exercise was easier than I thought it would be for me because I have been working on it for years. After I realized the damage I had done by yelling “I hate you!” to my image at age 11, I began retracing and reprogramming. I started the practice of telling myself “I love you” about 4 years ago. While it was extremely difficult at first, it became easier as time went on and I am now at a place where my heart opens fully when I look at my face in the mirror. Sure, I see the wrinkles, the imperfections and all that. And yes it bothers me. But I always have that voice waiting in the wings…. “I love you.”
As the practice went on, at one point I had the distinct feeling that there were two of me. Not a split personality, but a divine other. I came face to face with my divine self, and it was almost too much to handle. I got very sleepy and it became a struggle to sit with the idea and the feeling that I embodied the goddess. While the soul-gazing exercise was a pleasant experience for me (and intense), I had the feeling that full-body gazing in the mirror would be quite different since I still struggle with body image challenges. This, I decided, would be my personal edge and something I would explore in the future.
One thing this gateway has taught me is that I thrive on exploring my shadow side and I think it’s one of my strengths in the healing work I do with others. I am better able to escort them closer to their shadows because I’ve done it myself. I know that is a bold statement. But I do remember what it was like to stand before my shadow, which seemed 20 stories high and insurmountable. I remember looking behind me at all the pain, anger, fear and resentment. I saw that my life was riddled with diseased thoughts, ideas and actions. I decided I had nothing to lose and took my shadow on. It was much harder than I thought it would be. And it was all worth it.
Now my shadow is more life-size. It still scares the hell out of me, but now I have a frame of reference that allows me to seize the shadow’s tail and let it take me to the other side where there is even more light than I could possibly imagine. As I integrate my shadow side more, I align closer to my center and am better able to communicate the truth of who I am. I draw beauty, abundance, light and love to me. I attract my own authenticity.
I have reclaimed the image in the mirror and she is good.
