Journal 8: Waking the Dragon, White Session

I am going to warn you now: you are about to get a glimpse into my ego. She is one angry bitch. She has been protecting me for years. She is the reason I do the push-pull thing with people. She speaks very loudly and is very convincing. She does not want to die.

I mention this because entering the 4th gateway, Waking the Dragon, has been more like Waking the Bitch Inside You. I am going to be transparent: this is a prime example of why healing sucks. The first three gateways are supposed to be the ones that unearth your phantoms and banshees. The fourth gateway is supposed to be where you begin to dance with ecstasy and play with nymphs and sing lullabies to hunks with harps. Frankly, I feel like giving up. Right here, right now. Fuck it all. This hurts. I am not trying to scare you, but I do want to be honest. This fucking HURTS.

So my shadow is stalking me. Scratch that. My shadow is raping me. That is what it feels like. I feel like I’ve been grabbed from behind and smacked down on the ground face first, dirt filling my mouth as I gasp for air. And I asked for it. I dared challenge my shadow and it called my bluff. And it is a genius. It’s been hiding in the tunnel, cloaked as insightful awareness, just under the radar (denial). That feeling of vague uneasiness—it was my shadow tripping the alarm just enough to give me a warning that I pretty much ignored.

Not Always Happy Days
The fourth gateway, “Waking the Dragon,” “opens a deeper layer of being present, moving into an opening of the physical body and the energy body overlaid on it.” I knew from doing previous exercises with Kypris and Steven Jay that this was going to be a challenge for me. Everything in my body resisted doing it. The breathing exercises hurt me, I don’t know how else to put it. From my own practice in yoga and meditation and life itself I know how important breath is for oxygenating your cells and keeping your lymphatic system moving. I held my breath for years, which led to an atrophied diaphragm. After quite a bit of body work and healing, I learned how to take a truly deep breath, which allowed me to access some long-forgotten memories. I guess I had a lot of layers to breathe through until I made it to this particular one.

I went into this white session, which is supposed to be gentle, knowing I was in trouble. I could just feel it. My ego was in full battle mode. But I also knew I had to do it. This is more shadow work. This is where most people say “Hell no, I like my dysfunctions just fine, get out of my fucking face.” But I’ve come too far to turn back now. Damn it.

It’s even hard for me to write about it now. That’s how hard it was. I am still just so much in a reactive state. This is a sign that things are indeed moving and I have a prime chance to face it and heal it. Or not. I have a choice. I will likely choose to move through it and heal it, but it’s not an easy choice to make. The easier, white-bread choice would be to run back behind the rock that I’ve apparently been hiding behind. This is safe, or at least it’s what I’ve known and become familiar with. But do I really want to spend the rest of my days half-living?

Breathe, Breathe in the Air
The main solo practice in this gateway involves breathing through the chakras, or energy centers of the body (which I will presume you know something about. If not, there’s plenty of information on the web about it, and also in Kypris’s book Journey to Sexual Wholeness: The Six Gateways to Sacred Sexuality. After doing the sacred tree meditation, we did a chakra meditation where we “checked in” with each chakra with breath to bring awareness. By the way I was zoning out during this practice, I could tell I was trying to avoid facing something.

The next breathing practice, dragon breath, was what confronted me the most. During this exercise you combine chakra visualization with breath, using powerful circular breathing to open up the chakras and allow energy to move freely through them (for more details on this, buy the book! It’s on page 148). This mediation was a journey to old, deep pain for me.

As we moved up the chakras, I felt a thunderbolt wave of resistance build up in me. It was as if my body was a log and this resistance was a person in the middle of flood holding on to me to dear life. Nothing was going to tear this being off me without a fight. As I attempted to move the breath through my third chakra, I started feeling a sickening cry build up inside me. I felt like part of my body was being ripped off. I entered a cave of incredible sorrow and released what felt like an avalanche of tears. I wanted to bellow and howl at the pain, but I felt too self-conscious. I tried to keep breathing, but it was all I could do to not collapse in a limp heap on the floor. An intense pain arose in my left side. I wanted to scream, I wanted to leave. I did not want to be there. So much anguish and anger–a well of unearthed tears.

In retrospect I had gone red, which means I was past my edge. I should have said “yellow,” but I couldn’t form the words in my mouth.

Kypris and Steven supported me, one on each side of my shivering body, and channeled healing energy. Kypris called in jaguar energy and helped to unblock my third chakra, which was armored to the hilt. I know it sounds crazy, but as she raked her fingernails lightly across my belly (and I do mean lightly), it felt like razor-sharp claws tearing my flesh into shreds. I was almost surprised to see that I was still intact and my guts weren’t spilled out onto the floor.  

I felt so exposed and vulnerable. I was so ashamed and weakened by it all. I hate feeling that way. I had entered what many people refer to as a healing crisis.

What it Means to Me
As you might be able to tell, I actually wrote this blog over a 2-week period. The beginning was written the day after the session. I was so pissed that I was having to deal with another layer of pain. I was indignant about facing my shadow. I was raw and it was very hard for me to look Steven and Kypris in the eyes the next day because I felt weak and powerless, and like they had an advantage over me that they could use to somehow “destroy” me. I know, what would they do? But for some people, this is a real fear and it was real for me.

Since this session I’ve mellowed out a little. I processed what I needed to (although I am sure there is more lurking) and now I am focused on learning from the experience so I can integrate it into my life. For me the session brought up a lot of shadow stuff I quite frankly thought I had already dealt with. That is what hurts the most. The fact that I’ve been in denial about some things, most notably my eating disorder.

It’s not that I’ve been actively engaged in disordered eating patterns (at least, as far as I know), but I’m shocked at how quickly my body dysmorphia rears its beastly head. I went from being content about my weight to obsessing about it, sure that if I could just lose 5 more pounds, my life would be absolutely perfect. Order would be restored in the universe. Balance and harmony would reign supreme.

In reality, my issue, like substance abuse or any other addictive behavior, is not about the issue itself. My beef is not with my body. Even if I was 200 pounds overweight, I would still need to deal with the underlying issue, which is …. which is what? As far as I can tell from my tantric digging, there is a ding-ding-ding strong connection between the molestation and my subsequent dive into Anorexia, exercise bulimia, etc. I need to rewire my body to feel safe now, and to realize that everything that happened in the past is in the past. The other piece is that this happened at a crucial time in my life, as I entered puberty and missed the sacred ritual of flowering into my female glory. Instead, the curves I acquired were dirty, slithering things. Add to that the neglect, abuse, etc. from other areas of my life and of course you have a perfect little victim. Well, not anymore.

The point is not to dwell, but to find the courage to coax my body into claiming its powerful birthright as a goddess vessel. This is a time for me to connect even stronger to spirit, and gather the tools I need to nurture myself and this wounded piece that has been keeping me from fully expressing my sexuality.