Feeling the Burn

In the aftermath of Burning Man, I am left with a lot of emotions, physical symptoms, and spiritual insights, but most of them have one thing in common, they burn. There is the burning of my aching muscles from returning to my bellydance training. And there is the burning of my passion to live life in deep integrity and authentic feeling. There is my burning to be of service through my tantric teaching. And in the forefront of life right now, there is the burning away of my old fears and needs. I am truly feeling the burn.

It is one week since I returned from Burning Man 2007, and once again I know I will never be the same. The Burning Man festival, an effort in creating intentional community based on a gift economy and a reverence for individual freedom and creative expression, is an experience like no other I have had in my life. To put words to it, to describe it for someone who has not been there, is almost impossible, for the experience that each person has is unique. However, the magick of Burning Man does have a few unifying principles, and the one I experienced this year was profound: all things, good and bad, are amplified at Burning Man.

This year 47,000 people gathered in the Black Rock Desert of Northern Nevada, to build a temporary city on a dry lake bed that we who go there lovingly call “The Playa”. This part of the desert is exceptional in that it is home to almost no life. There are no plants, birds, or insects aside from those we bring with us. In fact, this year I noticed that my bread was unable to go to mold–no mold spores! The air is dry, the sun is hot, and on three of the seven days of the festival we were gifted with 50-60 mph winds that brought blinding dust storms. I say gifted, because it was during these storms that I received the most priceless gifts of clarity from Spirit, most especially courage. It was as if the winds brought me a direct connection to Spirit, through which I could release everything that was inside me and discover the core of who I was.

This releasing of everything stung a bit, as you might imagine. I have been working toward this release for a long time, letting go of layer upon layer of fear and armor. I truly thought, as I traveled to Burning Man this year, that I was ready to have a serene and fun time there, that I was ready for a rest from all the internal change that has been slowly moving through me. I thought that I had truly let go of most of my fear, and that I was ready to drop into a week of freedom and rest.

As soon as I arrived at Burning Man, I began to realize that this trip was different, that I was going to get a chance to deeply explore the flipside of my need for freedom in relationship–my fear of being alone. Earlier this year, several months of couch surfing taught me that I can let go of my fear of being without a home, that I can hold my physical safety and shelter within my body and trust Spirit to provide the rest. Last week, being at Burning Man taught me that I can hold my emotional center inside myself and that independent of any particular relationship, Spirit will provide emotional support for me. This emotional support can come in a variety of ways in the normal world, but at Burning Man, it kept coming both through my connection to Spirit, and through being supported by other people. I learned through force of circumstances to let go of depending on any one person for support, learned it at a deep emotional level. I learned that I must first support myself by doing whatever it is that I need.

Over and over this year, I was given the experience of learning how to feel supported even when my partner could not support me. Over and over I was given the opportunity to let go of my fear by centering into my connection with Spirit. By the last few days of Burning Man, I was literally walking around with Spirit’s voice in my head. It was a surreal experience because I was still plagued with all my intense irrational emotions of sadness, grief, and fear, and even with all that whirling inside me, I would clearly hear the voice of Spirit, telling me what action I could take to calm myself and to heal.

On the last day of Burning Man I found myself in the middle of the open Playa amongst the art exhibits, meditating in the midst of one of those blinding dust storms. On that day, my fear had left me completely, and I was simply calm. Spirit had shown me, through a couple of miracles, that I was not alone, and that it would always care for me. In the midst of that dust storm, I guess you could say I had a spiritual awakening. I felt the pure presence of Spirit blowing through me as the wind and dust swirled. Even covered in dust, I felt reborn and renewed, and I dropped into a new sense of peace.

That peace and that connection are still integrating into me as I write. I am still processing my grief and fear, they haven’t left me, but I have a lifeline now, a connection to something greater than myself that is sustaining me. I am grateful for all the years of meditation and spiritual practice that have made that connection possible. I am grateful for my willingness to be in the moment and surrender to Spirit’s will. And I know that if I can do it, you can do it too.

Namaste,

Kypris