Healing Sexual Secrets

For the longest time, if you had asked me, I would have told you that I had no sexual secrets, that everything was all "out there" in the open. I was sexually free, and I was enjoying being that way! What secrets could I possibly have? Well, part of the beauty of being a teacher of sacred sexuality is that I take time to do my own practice, and when I do, stuff comes up. Recently, I uncovered some secrets I had buried long ago. These weren’t the kind of secrets that I was keeping from other people. No, these were secrets I had been keeping from myself. These were secrets about how I let myself be treated in a my first marriage long ago, and about the sexual and emotional torments I put myself through. Now, in the present, my body is recreating physical conditions I had in those times, to signal loud and clear that now is the time to clear all of this away for good. It is time to release these old secrets, full of shame and guilt, from my body.

Talking about it has been the first step for me, to say out loud what I allowed to be done to me, and how I felt about it.

I was married to a man who told me that it was too hard to pleasure me, that it was impossible to make me feel good. He told me that oral sex was gross, because my yoni smelled bad. Most of my sex life with him was about me pleasuring him. I agreed to sex with him whenever he wanted it, even if I didn’t want to, or was ill. He told me I wasn’t attractive unless I dressed in ways that disguised my true self and wore my hair in styles I didn’t like. He told me that he could read my thoughts, and that if I ever tried to leave him that he would make life hell for me. I believed him. I believed all of it. And yet I didn’t want to leave because I was terrified of being alone, and because I was convinced that I was so undesirable that no one would want me.

There is something powerful about speaking these truths to another human being, and being witnessed with compassion. Journaling has been helpful also, to really unleash every feeling I have about that long-ago time. And dancing is a third tool for healing, letting my body release through movement the things that talk and tears can’t break free from my physical vehicle.

I am ready now to try shadow work to move the healing along. I long to call in my animal guides and journey through deep meditation to the lower world of my subconscious, a place where I often find comfort and safety when I have something big to move through. I know that in this struggle with myself, I need to go deep into my inner landscape and find the ability to forgive myself for the things that were done to me. And for my own healing, I need to find a way to forgive him. I don’t know yet how that will be possible. I’m carrying so much anger in my heart. But I know that the key for me will be acceptance and understanding about the gifts of self-awareness that have come with my wounds, as well as an understanding about what parts of that situation I created for myself.

Through all of it, I am loving myself and being gentle, several times daily drawing in the love of the Earth Mother and Sky Father with breath and meditation. Sometimes I add chanting to this, chanting "Om Shrim Klim" ("Shrim" to bring in the love of the divine feminine, and "Klim" to feel the love of the divine masculine). This chant anchors self love as strongly as I know how. I have been loving my yoni too, holding her and sending her loving thoughts. Self pleasuring while I look at my yoni through a mirror, drinking in her beauty, to really anchor that I am a Goddess and that I deserve to feel good.

I am grateful for this new journey in my life, as challenging as it is, because I know that the freedom it creates will be beyond anything I can imagine. I know that the ability to take this journey comes from the tremendous safety and joy I am experiencing in my life. I have so much more support from lovers and friends than I have ever had before, and this is a huge part of my ability to move through this time with ease and healing. It helps to know that there are people I can call on to hold me, listen to me, and love me if the pain is too great to move through alone. The more I find the courage to let these old things drop away, to let nothing stand in the way of my sexual wholeness, the more I reclaim my sexual power and sense of center. When I learn to love myself and others, I am fully able to fulfill my mission in life: to bring beauty, joy, and harmony to the world.

Namaste
Kypris