Marrying Spirit

For the last three years, I’ve been besieged by the desire to be in the perfect relationship. After two long marriages, I decided that for me this perfect relationship would involve a perfect guy who brings me flowers and thoughtful gifts (in my case, really great books), listens closely and cares deeply about my emotional state, always remembers to call and check in no matter what else is going on in his life, always supports me when I need it, is a great dancer, a passionate lover, does work that he loves and cares deeply about, and shares my spiritual outlook. Oh, and he also has a great sense of humor that defuses any argument we ever get into.

Well after all these years, I’ve found the perfect lover, and he’s not human. He is, well, God. To be specific, a masculine warrior aspect of Spirit called Great Star Man. It’s really no surprise, because no human man could be all the things I’ve listed, even part of the time, it’s just not possible! So when you fall in love with God, what do you do? Well, like a proper priestess, you create a ceremony! In less than 7 weeks, I will be marrying Spirit in a formal ceremony, with a diamond ring shaped like a yoni, and pledging to be his primary lover for the next year.

So what does this mean? Well it’s pretty simple. God and I are polyamorous, so I’m still allowed to date, and to have lovers, but all these relationships are secondary or even tertiary. Spirit will be my primary lover, the one I always check in with before I make any plans with anyone, the one I spend at least 3 nights a week with, and the one I live with day in and day out.

This decision wasn’t one I came to by thinking it through. Rather, it was a sudden knowing, during a healing session, that this was what I needed to do to take my healing to the next level. I desperately want to feel happy and free in relationship, to stop focusing so much on what I need from the other person or what they are doing that I don’t like–to cultivate unconditional love, to let go of all my fears and insecurities about whether or not I am loved. Once I had this strong intuition that I needed to spend a year married to Spirit, I began to see how valuable this could be, to just commit to developing my spiritual connection to the divine masculine. This connection has been getting stronger and stronger for me, so strong that I feel a physical sensation of Spirit’s presence holding me or sitting beside me most of the time. With this physical presence next to me, I don’t feel lonely. Instead I feel happy and contented to be on my own. I feel strongly supported in sharing my emotions, whether through prayer orjournaling , knowing that Spirit can hold space for all of my feelings. I can even do sacred sexual practice in partnership with Spirit, calling him in to be my lover and to move energy with me. To make things even sweeter, he sends me flowers every day by making the roses in my garden bloom.

Having my needs met in these ways by Spirit brings a deep contentment and peace to my daily life. As long as I stay connected, I can let go of my fears and hangups in my human relationships, especially the need to control my lovers. If I lose my connection to my new fiance’ (and some days I do!), then I need to do the spiritual practice (meditation, breath practice, movement, ceremony that will help re-establish my awareness that He is always with me.

So how does this change my relationships with human men? On a daily basis it looks like more and more willingness to allow my lovers to do what they want, and allowing myself to do what Spirit wants. It doesn’t mean I don’t ask to get my needs met, or consider my lover’s feelings when I make a decision, or express my feelings when I am upset. The change I notice is that there is less urgency with expressing needs and feelings. I don’t have to express my needs immediately, nor do I have to be upset when the answer is no. And even when I do feel upset about something with one of my lovers, I let Spirit hold me and help me remember to breathe and calm myself. I can wait to talk it out when we are both ready.

I admit this is harder than it sounds sometimes. When I am alone with myself not by choice, but because I can’t find anyone to spend time with, I am still challenged to drop into my time with God and let go of the need for human company. I still want to be in control of whether or not I am alone with Spirit, or connected with a human. What I hope is that through taking a year to deepen my connection to Great Star Man, I can let go of this need to control how my time is spent, and come to my next primary relationship with a human from a place of being secure and complete in myself whether I am with them or not.

For now, I dream of my wedding day and all the good things I hope it will bring to my life. Like a new bride, I am nervous. I wonder if I’m doing the right thing. I worry what will happen if I’m make this commitment and then meet Mr. Right. But I know this is all just noise in my head. Instead of listening, I just breathe deeply and sit down to meditate. And as simply as that, I am in the arms of my husband, the perfect love, and the partner who can lead me to true happiness.