Surrendering Fear

For many years, fear has been the guiding force in my life. I have made choices over and over to prevent a thing from happening. Many times, I have made choices to keep the people in my life happy, out of fear that they won’t like me if I act from a place of courageous giving to myself.

I sink into fear often. I am afraid my lovers will leave me, I am afraid that I won’t have enough money to pay my bills, I’m afraid nobody will care for me when I’m ill. This last fear recently came to my awareness very strongly, while I was down with a flu bug. I wasn’t really that sick, but my fear was still running me. I had a desire for comfort from another human being, and a deep fear that I couldn’t have that comfort. The fear ran so deep that it was hard for me to even ask for what I wanted. As it happened that day, I was able to get my needs partially met, and having the needs met even a little helped my fear to recede a bit. Revealed by the ebbing fear was a deep sadness, something left from childhood I suppose, something about wanting to be fully and unconditionally loved and comforted when I’m sick. I didn’t receive that unconditional and complete comfort this time, but for once I was able to take the focus away from what I didn’t receive and realize that I had received something better–an awareness that a deep centering in myself is tremendously comforting. I noticed when I finally left my fear behind that a huge torrent of energy began to run through my body, and that this energy in and of itself was comforting and healing–that I didn’t really need another person to exchange it with.

I can only think that this powerful current is a result of my daily practice of rooting into Earth and Sky. I sit in meditation and imagine that I am a tree, with roots deep into Mother Earth, and tall branches reaching up to the sun, moon, and stars. With these connections, I suddenly feel energy running through my body, centering me in my physical self, and in my heart. My healing partner, Steven, and I like to call this practice “reconnecting to self”. It truly feels that way, that I am totally centered in my own energy, and that at the same time I have powerful connections to the divine feminine energy of the earth, and the divine masculine energy of the sky. I relate to Earth and Sky in a very personal way–they are Mother and Father to me–they are always there, unconditionally supportive and loving. If I go within and ask, they will usually give me some guidance about whatever issue is perplexing me. That guidance and safety take me to a centered place that is really the groundwork for working in a tantric partnership. I must be full and complete in myself to surrender fear and surrender boundaries, so that Divine Union is possible. Once that centering is established in two partners, the work together becomes deeper, more profound, and more healing.

In my experience, layers and layers of emotional patterning come up for release and healing as I walk my tantric path. In my recent illness, the pattern that emerged for release was that of a woman wanting her male partner to fill an emotional need, and the male partner feeling a fear of being devoured by a bottomless pit of that neediness, of never being enough no matter how much he gives. Through tantra, I suddenly saw a new way to circumvent this old pattern between men and women–I realized that I was feeling needy because I wasn’t fully receiving the things that my male partner was doing to support me. So often, men support women by filling root chakra needs–needs to do with daily survival–money, sex, fixing things that are broken. And yet as women we so often insist that our men support us by giving to us emotionally–because that is the type of support that we so often give, the support of the heart chakra.

In tantra, there is an energy circuit that starts at the man’s lingam, a positive pole, which sends energy into the yoni. As the yoni fully receives the energy of the lingam, the energy moves up to our hearts, which open and overflow and send love into the heart of the man. As he fully receives this love, he circulates it back down to his lingam, and the circuit begins again. I saw that I could apply this principle to my daily partnership–that if I could fully receive all the physical things my male partner was doing to support me, that I could then open my heart and give a vast fullness of emotional support to him, and know that his way of reciprocating might not be exactly the same, but that he would reciprocate, as long as he could fully receive this love. He must also be able to receive for the circuit to be complete, and there is often the difficulty. Men so often close themselves off to receiving to protect themselves, to not be perceived as vulnerable. But they will never be able to honor their totally giving nature unless they are able to fully receive in return. There must be a circuit of energy flowing between the masculine and feminine pole.

The man’s role in classical tantra is to be the positive, giving pole, the partner who initiates by sending out energy. A woman’s role is to receive this energy, to take it fully into her yoni, move it up to the heart, and send it back out, into the heart of the man. Here is where his heart must be open to feel fully alive in relationship, fully met. He must be able to receive what she gives so that he doesn’t feel depleted, to take in the energy from her heart into his. A woman’s heart is her positive, sending pole, and the man’s heart is a negative, receptive pole. He must fully take in the energy she sends into him and channel it down to his lingam, where he can then re-initiate the cycle by sending out energy into the woman. This energy that travels back and forth between them is not purely sexual–it also appears and applies in everyday life–in daily tasks and emotional exchanges. To achieve this full interchange, both men and women must surrender their fear and be willing to embrace the bliss of a full and loving communion.

Blessings of Love,
Kypris