Tantra and the Art of Celibacy
by Kypris
April 9th, 2008
It started out as a hot tub conversation. I was soaking and sharing with a friend about my relationships with men, and how I was striving to be more accepting, more joyful, and more loving in those relationships. The next thing I knew, my friend was sharing about his own celibacy practice, and I heard my body resonating with the voice of Spirit, saying "yes, yes, yes!" I wasn’t happy about this. I didn’t want to be celibate. I didn’t want to become a dried up and shriveled middle-aged old crone. And besides, how could I teach tantra and be celibate? How could this possibly fit with my passion for teaching sacred sexuality, and who I am at my core?
My friend explained that his practice only meant abstaining from intercourse, but still allowing heart and sexual connection with his partners. That sounded easier. I didn’t have to give up connection, or orgasms, or moving sexual energy, just intercourse. Simple, right? Of course there would be some logistical issues, like how much contact would be okay between the yoni and lingam? And would this mean I would substitute oral intercourse for penetration? And would that really be that much of a difference?
Then the voices started in my head. Waves of fear rushed into me, fear of losing the lovers who were in my life, fear of being alone, fear of not being desirable if I couldn’t offer a full connection to the men in my life. I realized that I had been making love with my lovers not just from desire to express my sexuality, but also from some need to gain approval. I had been falling into the age-old trap of many women all over the world—giving sex to get love.
What has happened instead of this imagined abandonment has been a miracle. In fact, I have been surprised and deeply moved by the willingness of my lovers to hold space for me to move through this time. I am loving that I have a month of time to feel into my heart with each of them, to really see how we can move together from a place of unconditional love. Spirit is showing me that the choices I make about connecting sexually affect my whole body and my whole life. I am beginning to understand that my yoni can choose. She can receive and hold negative emotion from my partners. She can choose to abstain from intercourse with partners who are not emotionally clear. Or she can learn to shift and release negative energies that come into her, claiming her naturally powerful and clear state. This is the role of the tantric healer, to facilitate the release of negative energies and consciously choose not to take those energies into her body.
What’s also interesting about celibacy is how it plays out in my sexuality. I find that even though I have a strong sex drive, and like to experience my sexuality at least once a day, I don’t miss intercourse that much, especially if I am still allowed to connect to my lovers in oral sex. In fact, it’s a whole new opportunity for me to explore oral sex more than ever before, to really dive into how good it feels to connect my mouth to another’s body, and to receive oral pleasure in my yoni. But beyond this, I am finding that I can experience orgasm just from a breast massage, or from kissing, as long as I am really connecting with my partner and moving the kundalini between us. It’s the connection that’s important to me, not the way I connect. Being celibate is a true letting go of goals, and trusting that my needs will be met, both in and out of the bedroom.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect, and I’m by no means free of all the nagging thoughts about my lovers that made this practice necessary for me. But I am finally free of the physical symptoms that were manifesting in my body as a result of my thoughts, and the thoughts have become whispers most of the time, instead of shouts. I am healing through this practice, and coming into a place of learning to follow Spirit in all that I do, by letting myself flow with the people in my life from a place of powerful centering.
Celibacy is giving me so far even more than I hoped it would: a deep feeling of love and respect for myself, a reality check about how much I am loved by the men in my life, some relief from my old patterns with men, and a powerful feeling of centering in my emotional body. It’s as if an energy of love and light is building in me. Lately people keep saying that I am glowing, and asking what is so different in my life that I look so alive and happy. This feels like a wonderful affirmation from Spirit that I am on the right path, which allows me to surrender more and more to the experience. In that surrender, I am finding my way back to myself, and to the powerful and loving Goddess within that is my birthright.
April 10th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
Beautiful, Kypris. My experience with celibacy was an intentional 13 weeks. Some traditions practice 13 months….the quantity of time of gestation to birth, lunar year cylcle and the birthing of our lovers’ inner child. I found 13 weeks was just as powerful maybe due this time of higher frequency vibrations.
Thank you for your courage and sharing, Sister.
Love,
Lisa
April 10th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
Thanks so much for your open, vulnerable sharing, Kypris. It’s nice to hear a woman speak in such depth about the various elements you have touched on here… furthers my insights about women’s sexuality. Come to think of it, I’d be interested in hearing more of similar insights and inner tensions, etc. from some men. I’ve plumbed “the depths” with both women and men on most other subjects, but was just realizing that I’ve not done so very much on sexuality, especially with men (conversationally, or on a blog, etc.). I know I could probably find good discussions somewhere on the net, but it would be especially of interest to have some with men I’ve met in the local tantra community.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
You expressed a perfect explanation of tantric celibacy! So many don’t want to consider this path and yet, it can be so opening. Personally, I spent 1 year celibate and found it to be a most enlightening way of getting in touch with my own sexuality.
Thank you so much for starting this discussion.
Namaste
Akasha
April 11th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
WOW!!! Kypris, We haven’t seen each other in a long time, nor do I practice with your community, however, I have a strong interest in exploring tantra and have been afraid to start coming to experience with you. My relationships with men, now, have gratefully become the most healthy I’ve ever experienced in my life. Frankly, I haven’t wanted to come experience tantra classes without a partner I love deeply, and have felt uncomfortable considering being in an environment where people are so focus on sexual pleasure without someone I love to come with me. I am starting to realize that it IS possible for me to practice tantra on my own if I want to.
I have recently lost the romanticism I had with a very special man who I truly care for and had the most amazing sexual experience with, like none other. Right now I can’t imagine being with anyone else, though I know that will change when I am truly healed from this loss of being so naturally committed solely to him. He was celibate for several years before me, and now I have come to realize that I need to practice this for some time. I feel that abstaining has to do with respecting the intuitive body, choosing to abstain when knowing something is out of balance with a partner, and quite honestly, though it may change for me, I would rather be in agreement with someone about our love and commitment to one another before having intercourse. It seems to be the highest form of respect for my body, for me personally, to live that way. In other words…I have never been abe to have a one night stand or meaningless sexual contact, ever. Something will physically not allow me to go past certain thresholds with whomever.
I truly want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your commitment to your self and sharing. I have deleted so many of your newsletters sometimes with or without even glancing at them, and simply the word “celibacy” is what struck me that I absolutely had to read it that moment. I am so proud of you for having the courage to challenge yourself with celibacy, especially given that you are so sexually knoweldgeable and experienced. I honestly believe that by doing so- you are balancing abstainence with the sexual experience in a way that will truly serve your community in a broader, more expansive way. I feel like I can truly respect all of your efforts knowing that it’s not just about spiritual/sexual gratification. I feel like because you are leading from the heart I can trust that if I choose to come to a class you will understand me…my fears, hopes, desires, and True Self more than I had considered before. Thank You.
December 2nd, 2008 at 5:55 pm
This is a good start, but if you really want to feel the real power, Try to remain celibate with no orgasm or any kind of stimulation to your genitals at all. You will experience a state beyond pleasure and pain, a state of deep peace, stillness and love. Ofcourse make sure there is no supression of any kind, you would need to do yogic breating and asanas to keep your energy moving through your body so that they don’t accumulate in your lower chakras. You will experience a freedom and joy , and you whole body will feel alive and powerful. I have heard that it takes 9 months for the process to complete. I am on month #2 right now
May 21st, 2009 at 3:27 pm
..interesting reading….I have been celibate for five years so far….although i consider myself a very sexual person…just in a different way from the norm!…
August 25th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
Hello,
this is very interesting to read. I’m in a different but related situation. My partner suggested a period of mutual celibacy as we both go through important personal changes. He is opening his heart and moving a lot of energy from his sexual center to his heart and third eye and crown center, and he wants to learn to relate to me from the heart and not just “from the cock.” For the first four months of our relationship we have had a very passionnate and spirutal erotic connection, actually it got me interested in Tantra because he said it felt like we were doing Tantra without knowing what we were doing (I totally agree).
On my side, I have a lot of difficult attachment issues that i’m really diving into these days, and taking a step back from being sexual with him supports me in that. for one thing, sex is complicated and can complicate my attachment issues… for example i’ve realized it is a way for me to seek reassurance and validation. so taking that avenue of validation away is really pushing me forward in my development.
On his side, I think it makes a lot of sense at his age (22) to move from a lust-place to a heart-place. I also think that for women, sometimes the progression moves the other direction: heart is connected and happy first and that allows the orgasmic connection to flow and grow.
Well, i don’t even know if you’re reading this, but there are so few people i can talk to who would understand what i mean when i say our sex is tantric and often psychic and sacred in a way that I haven’t found in other relationships (and that’s 15 years of dating on my side). Let alone understand why I would say that we’ve chosen a period of not kissing or being sexual together–which is both scary and totally positive! So i hope you do read this.
Om Shanti, and many blessings!
August 26th, 2009 at 6:50 am
Dear Aralia,
Thank you so much for sharing with me about your journey with celibacy. What you are describing sounds like a beautiful journey, and it is my experience that focusing on relating at the heart and removing sex for a while really does force me to look at all the opportunities I can create for connection. In my own periods of celibacy, coming back into sexual connection after working through this left me with a heart open even wider that before, and has deepened the tantric connection and practice. I would love to hear about how your own practice deepens you.
Namaste,
February 9th, 2010 at 12:43 pm
You are stupid if you think that by engaging in oral sex you are celibate. Celibate is complete self-control and the absence of the thought of sex. Sounds impossible, but that is the domain in which the spiritual world exists, whereas you have created a replacement for your intercourse life by indulge in a parallel sensory world to squeeze pleasure out of (pun intended).