I am slowly continuing to read your new book, and perhaps we can discuss it intelligently someday. I’m not sure when I’ll be in San Diego again, but I’ll let you know so you’ll have some warning ;o)) I was wondering about the prostate massage we talked about the first day, but never got around to. Would that require another session? Did we go through the whole Yoni-worship session, or did we just touch on part of it?  I think I was a little tonguelike during it. I probably have to work on my comfort level there.

All-in-all, I think my sessions were a success, and I will be glad to recommend you to any who ask.

Namaste,
Chuck Kelly

My next day reaction is eager anticipation. I’m still absorbing what I’ve learned so far. I’ve been reading your Journey to Sexual Wholeness book also, but I’m only on chapter 3 because I read and ruminate, so it goes slowely. And I will read it 2, 3 or more times to reinforce what I think I may know, and as understanding comes, to pick up on what I missed before. A wise man once said that any book you can learn from should be read at least 5 times because it takes that much to really integrate it into youreself. Reading should also be done over a longer span of time because we change through time.

Namaste
Chuck Kelly

I know I have a lot to learn, and I hate to admit it, but I am something of a skeptic. It’s not that I actively disbelieve, but more that I sometimes need a little extra convincing. I came hoping to find some answers, but now my focus has changed a bit – answers are fine, but not completely necessary. The journey is unto itself, a pathway to take, sometimes veering off to one side or the other, but a way to get somewhere else. We don’t need to know where, just to be aware of the changes we experience so that we can appreciate them and even share them.

I know I need to get better connected with others. I know I need to learn to accept both compliments and criticism better- more graciousness for one thing, but that goes back to my youth also. You’ve already made me aware that some of it is still there waiting to be dealt with. Thank you.

Namaste
Chuck]]> http://www.yabyummy.com/blog/client/first-red-session.htm/feed 0 http://www.yabyummy.com/red/the-gift-of-yoni-massage.htm http://www.yabyummy.com/red/the-gift-of-yoni-massage.htm#comments Wed, 09 Apr 2008 23:08:30 +0000 Joy http://www.yabyummy.com/red/the-gift-of-yoni-massage.htm Consecrating Sacred Space: How I Learned to Be in My Own Temple Through the Gift of Yoni Massage

The first time I looked at my own vagina in the mirror I was 17 years old. I had my first yeast infection and I thought I was going to die. The pain certainly drew a lot of attention to this area of my body and, being the artist type, I decided to not only take a look-see, but also draw a picture of it. I popped a Suzanne Vega cassette tape in the stereo (the first one, the one with the song "Small Blue Thing"), grabbed a hand mirror, my colored pencils and sketch book and made myself comfortable on the bed.

There she was–my vagina, my "coosie-mae" (a southern nickname). I spent a good few minutes staring and exploring. I noticed the outer lips, the left labia majora was hemmed at the edges with a dark brown-purple. Was this normal, I wondered? It all looked so complex and unnerving to me at the time, like I had found some sort of secret cave through the tumbleweed forest of my pubic hair. I drew the best representation I could (I am more of an abstract artist) and decided at the end to draw a snake coming out of the opening of my vagina. At the time I remember thinking it symbolized the pain of the yeast infection. Later, that symbolism changed.

So what about the word "vagina"? Yes, it’s clinical and induces giggling. But what does the word actually mean? It is a latin word that means "sheath or scabbard." That’s right, the kind of sheath or scabbard you would insert a sword–or a penis (aka “lingam”). In other words, its very definition is via its function for men (no hard feelings, guys). That definition gets its very identity solely from how it is of service to males, not to mention the war and weaponry imagery. The divine masculine energy is certainly important, but it doesn’t beg that divine feminine energy exist to define it. Are there any alternatives to the word “vagina”? Thankfully, yes.

The word "yoni" is a sanskrit word for "divine passage," "place of birth" and "sacred temple." Other words that yoni encompasses are "abode," "place of rest," "nest" and "source." I first heard this alternative years ago and it has taken me several more years to embrace it. When I started taking my tantra practice more seriously, "yoni" became more natural to me than "vagina."

So how is my yoni? Good question. Frankly, the only time I give her attention is when something is amiss "down there," just like I did years ago with the yeast infection. I am disconnected from her and she from me. She is a separate entity, a warm conundrum between my thighs. My breasts are very sensitive and responsive, which indicates I am more heart-centered than root-centered. But I wanted to connect my yoni with my heart and my heart with my yoni. Not only that, I wanted to clear years of sexual abuse, trauma, pain, shame and guilt. In addition, if the yoni is a divine passage, it is certainly possible that “visitors” have left things behind over the years. In other words, energetically I am convinced some of the men I’ve had sex with might have left some of their own shame, guilt and pain behind. If so, I didn’t want it anymore.

Entering the Temple

With a few pujas and one red session under my belt, I felt safe and empowered enough to get a yoni massage. A yoni massage is a tantric ritual that involves honoring and healing the divine passage. During this ritual, the giver touches the yoni not from a place of arousal and orgasm, but from a place of joy and wonder. The ritual helps connect a woman’s heart to her yoni, and also increases awareness and sensation. Healing and honoring are the goals, not orgasm (although that can certainly be a byproduct). The giver holds space while the receiver (in this case, me!), relaxes, breathes, processes and simply enjoys. It is very possible, also, to “unearth” old traumas and pains. This is a prime healing opportunity if you’re able to “go there.”

After years of feeling blocked and short-circuited in my sexuality, I was ready to “go there.”

Steven Jay, tantra teacher, daka, somatic/spirit entrepreneur, closet genius and sensual guru guided me through this, my second red session and journey on the tantra path. As usual he greeted me with a whole-body, deep breathing embrace that works like magnetic lava in keeping me grounded and helping me feel safe. He led me to a warm red room bejeweled with candlelight and infused with healing intentions. Steven is one of the most intuitive men I’ve ever met, and he has a keen knack for sensing where your gateways and boundaries are. Because of my prior experiences with him, I was not the least bit nervous.

After doing the sacred tree meditation with an emphasis on feeling in to my yoni, Steven helped position me comfortably on the bed with strategically placed pillows. He explained what he was going to be doing and how important it was for me to breathe and communicate throughout the session. The session commenced with a wonderful and gentle body massage. With loving, nurturing strokes on my legs, breasts, stomach and arms Steven prepared my body to relax and receive. During this stage I felt calm and focused on my breath. The hardest thing about it was staying present in my body and not being carried away by thought.

At this point I want to mention why it is so hard for me to stay in my body during a sensual experience. This is one of the most frustrating challenges I’ve been dealing with, but I know I need to love myself and my body through it. When I was 11 years old, my step grandfather molested me. The main thing I remember is focusing very intently on a wagon wheel that was on the television screen. I willed myself to escape my body for obvious reasons. Four years later, at age 15, three men broke into the room where I was staying and raped me. Again, my major recollection of that experience was concentrating on the corner of the room, where cobwebs and shadow gave me momentary refuge. I tried every trick I knew to leave my body behind.

These survival tactics were perfectly legitimate at the time, but I discovered as I went through the rest of my life that I disassociated during sex all the time, even when I wanted to be there. It was as if I had been programmed to leave my body as soon as a man touched me. I have done a lot of healing, forgiving and growing. However, my body still remembers and has yet to let go. Learning how to get in touch with those numbed out sensations may be the key to finally moving through to the other side.

The Vestibule of the Temple

After receiving a few glorious minutes of massage, Steven checked in with me to see how I was doing. He asked me how my body felt and if I had any sensations or emotions I wanted to discuss. I mentioned how hard it was for me to stay present, even with the breath, so we agreed that we would maintain eye contact as much as possible to help facilitate as strong and present a connection as possible.

Steven Jay squeezed some oil into the palm of his hand, warming it with his own body heat. He then began massage the outer lips of my yoni. The soft strokes segued into a very light “pulling” upward of my outer lips. I stayed with my breath throughout this process and focused on reception and awareness. He circled up and around my clitoris—the crown jewel—and continued with the rhythmic strokes. During this time my entire body began to awaken. My arms and hands were tingling, my head felt heavy and my legs danced with pleasure.

This was heaven. No, this was heaven magnified with rainbow light, dusted in your favorite memories and then kissed by hunky angels.

Just when I thought I was going to lose my mind (in a good way), or fall off the bed, Steven paused, met me eye to eye for a check-in and announced that we were about to move on to the next stage. You mean there’s more? Hallelujah. It seems we were still only getting started. Now it was time for body mapping.

The Temple Clock

I am not unusual as a survivor of mental, physical, emotional and sexual abuse in that I had to learn—not relearn, as I never knew it— body awareness. What this means is that for years I had no clue what my body, my skin, my organs my muscles, tendons, ligaments felt like. Sure, I felt pain. But it had to be an intense pain, and I had a very high tolerance.

When something traumatic happens to us, and it doesn’t have to be dramatic or defined at all, our physical body communicates in an instant with our thoughts and emotions, as well as our emotional, spiritual and etheric bodies. It can happen in a split second—your father yells at you for crying at age 2 and your little brain decides to try and never do that again because it’s “wrong.” Or he hits you for dropping your plate and your body protects you by trying to numb the sensation of his large, rough hand on your tiny body.

Conversely, it can be something as simple and seemingly benign as your caregiver not being there for your second grade play, making you feel abandoned. The point is this: the survival tactics and means of dealing with stress—if not processed and confronted head on—accumulate in our bodies. We forget to learn new ways of being in the world as we grow up. We have to figure out, retrace and heal our pain and indignities. If we don’t, in my opinion, we will continue to live half-lives as shadows of ourselves.

Thanks to a lot of hard work over the years, I can feel my beautiful body now. I learned that chest pain and tightness was anxiety and moved it through. I learned that my vice-like jaw clenching was anger and I roared loudly. You get the picture. I danced, I moved, I sang, I cried, I got all types of body work done. It seems my yoni, et. al., is the last frontier.

Back to body mapping. Now that I was all juiced up, alive and ready to explore (and be explored), Steven gently inserted a finger (come-hither style) into my yoni, pressing my g-spot. I couldn’t feel it at first, but after a little inspired finger wiggling (thank you Steven Jay) I felt a faint sensation in my pelvis, toward the center and above my pubic bone. The only other way I can describe it: for me it felt like muted pleasure, as if your lover were whispering sweet nothings into your ear, but your ear is filled with water from your sexy romp in the ocean. I think the point is to transmute that muted feeling into multisensory pleasure. Steven spent a few moments massaging my g spot and then he began the process of moving around the wall of my yoni clockwise (from his perspective as giver).

Your g spot is 12 o’clock. Ladies, I am sure it is different for everyone, but 1 o’clock is quite nice. It has its own nook or groove that is, dare I say it, groooovy. For every position on the yoni clock, Steven massaged as we synchronized our breath and he helped me remain in the moment. When he got to 5 o’clock I felt a sharp pain. He said he felt a pulse point there, which is an indication that there may be some hidden or armored pain or emotion. Indeed, I did well up with tears. I felt an ancient aching that I couldn’t even grab hold of. He asked me to take a deep breath and hold it, what he called an “air breath?” and then forcefully breathe all the pain out. He helped move the pain away with his breath and energetically with his hands, and grounded it into the earth. The only other pain I experienced was something that felt like broken glass inside my skin at 7 o’clock. We did the same air breath practice and, when I was ready, we moved on.

I felt like the pain I released was pain my mind and heart had already healed. But now it was my body’s turn to heal and let go of all the aching and sadness and guilt.

Integrating Shakti

As the yoni massage drew to a close, Steven Jay supported me and held space (which essentially means honoring my emotions and “being there”) while I came back to reality from my journey into the folds of my intricate emotions. Immediately following the massage, I felt euphoric, dizzy, giddy and cleansed. I was so wired that I had a hard time falling asleep that night, which is something I rarely have a problem with. Not only had he help me release a lot of negativity I no longer needed, he helped awaken my shakti.

Shakti is a personification of the divine feminine. It represents the active, dynamic principles of feminine power. Awakening it and awakening to it helps a woman live from her center, her truth and her passion. She learns how to embrace and live her true beauty. Being escorted, loved and supported to this place is a high honor. My shakti, at this tender moment in time, feels much the same way I felt as a small child before I fragmented my soul and left pieces of myself along the white cross strewn road of my life. I am feeling alive. I am feeling more creative and passionate. I am feeling sensations in my yoni where once there was a sad stillness. I am letting my emotions flow through me to completion.

But perhaps the most surprising outcome so far of my yoni massage is the way men are reacting to me. Many men generally find me attractive and I’ve taken for granted the attention I get. I think due to my sexual abuse, I have lived most of my life guarding myself from men and feeling very unsafe and exposed. Ironically, I also tend to send out erotic feelers, which I am guessing has been my shakti trying to come out in spite of me. Nevertheless, my usual modus operandi when faced with an overwhelming energy or attention from a man has been defensive. I either shut down, close off or, in extreme cases where I am the object of an unwanted advance, I have even started fist fights! The flip side of this coin is that I have also acquiesced when I did not want to, my lack of boundaries painfully obvious.

The first day after the yoni massage, I noticed that men seemed to be looking at me differently. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but it seemed as though the same men at the office who I perceived as ogling me, were now simply appreciating me. I didn’t sense any disrespect and I felt no fear. I felt open and clear and safe in my own body. I think it is this safety–in my own sexual power and my connection to source—that made it possible for me to open up and let in good intentions. A few days later I was confronted on the street with an obvious boundary violation from a very obnoxious man. I simply took a few deep breaths and handled the situation calmly and with a feminine grace I didn’t know I had. I felt safe.

I have been waiting my entire life to feel this safe.

The Kundalini Express

Remember the drawing I made of my yoni when I was 17? That snake I innocently drew coming out of the opening, which symbolized pain for me at the time, is now a stark symbol of the kundalini energy (which some consider the same as shakti) that is very much alive and awake in me now. Kundalini is a corporeal energy that sits coiled around your root chakra like a snake until you activate it through spiritual practice. Once awake, it rises through your body and chakras, clearing you and empowering you to live in your light.

The snake is also symbolic of transmutation, rebirth, feminine magic and healing. In the branch of shamanism I study snake is the east animal in my totem. This represents my biggest challenge in life: combining spirituality with sexuality. Thanks to the masterfully grounding and healing yoni massage, I can say that I am feeling very snake-like and shakti-fied these days.

Ten years later, 40 pounds lighter, a health crisis transmuted, an ex-husband and numerous ex lovers later, I began exploring the tantric path. Tantra is something I have always considered a guilty pleasure to consider in my life. I’ve flirted with it for years. I’ve bought books, talked to people about it and basically danced around its edges. I had reached a point in my life, however, where flirting with Tantra would no longer suffice. I needed to either explore a commitment or move on. I felt this truth in my bones. So after another frustrating personal relationship and a date-rape experience, I gave in.

You see, an interesting thing had been happening to me. My taste in men was getting worse as I got older, not better. But not only that, the men I was attracting into my life exhibited strong animalistic urges toward me and acted as though they could not “help themselves” from taking advantage of me. Further, with each man I kept getting the distinct impression that some sort of sexual healing was going on in spite of myself. Now, I am an energy healing practitioner, but this was not a “hands on” healing session. Inevitably I would find myself, yet again, giving in to a sexual experience I did not want. Only this time I kept hearing a faint voice saying “I am healing you, I am healing you.” This truly puzzled me as nothing conscious was taking place. To add an ounce of wonder to the equation, the men were each having what I would characterize as healing crises. I am a firm believer in “healer, heal thyself,” and I decided that if part of my journey here on earth was to help heal other’s sexuality I absolutely had to start with myself.

The Red Road

I found myself in the Yabyummy treatment room, at the cusp of a healing red session with Steven Jay. I’ve received quite a few healing sessions over the past 3-5 years, and I’ve come to learn (finally) that fear is one emotion worth exploring. So here I am. Steven Jay is grounded. He emits a strong, peaceful presence that acts as a sort of tranquilizer. If I squint my eyes just so, I might even be able to see the strands of light connecting him to source. In short, I trust him implicitly and, while I am nervous and my throat is constricted, I am not scared. He could not be more gentle or more strong.

After discussing intention, Steven Jay guides me in a meditation that weaves my roots into the earth’s core. I intermingle with juicy goddess energy and breathe in unconditional love. I exhale anything I no longer need. On each breath I bring the energy up and clear each chakra. At this point I am feeling more grounded, more safe. I already feel very connected to the earth mother, so this feels extra calming and nurturing. However, the next stage of the meditation brought with it a surprise.

As we brought in the divine masculine through the crown of my head and Steven clearly defined the godly dimensions of this energy, I felt overwhelmed with a new knowledge. I was not truly familiar with this energy. Certainly I called on father sky in my own meditation and healing circles. But I had never considered the details of this energy. I realized that I had never truly allowed the divine masculine into my body. With this awakened understanding came a flood of truth for me. If my father, who had abused and neglected me as a child, was my first introduction to the divine masculine, I had disconnected from it long ago. In a matter of seconds spirit showed me all the ways I had cut myself off from the sacred male aspect and also how I had manifested numerous lessons in my life divinely orchestrated to steer me back into the loving arms of the father.

As I envisioned my mother and father’s higher selves as divine masculine and feminine holding me at the end of the meditation, tears were streaming down my cheeks. “Do you feel safe enough for me to leave and get you some tissue?” Steven asked me. I shook my head yes, timidly. “Can you take a breath and ask yourself if you really feel safe?” Steven had a hunch that I was on the brink of some sort of release. I took a half breath and then I cried the tears of a neglected baby, a molested child, a raped teenage girl. He asked permission to hold me as he moved behind me. As he channeled calm, loving, strong male energy I finally realized that all these years I had been trying to reconnect with sacred father through unhealthy sexual experiences. I did not have a relationship with the divine masculine, and it was no wonder I never felt safe and had no boundaries.

As I wept, I released what felt like ancient pain. I relinquished the victim inside me who cowers behind fault. I bade farewell to bloated, painful memories of allowing myself to be overpowered. I cried the anger and guilt and shame out of my bones that kept me tied to being some sort of sexual slave. I cried until, at the end of the tunnel, I saw all the light and godly energy inside every man who had ever been in my life. I focused on that aspect of these men, and opened my heart to new possibilities.

This is How it Feels to Be Open?

At the end of the release, we moved on the heart of the session. Steven Jay and I worked on saying “no” to various sensual requests. Ironically, it was hard to say no for different reasons (I actually wanted him to touch my thigh or caress my cheek), but the practice was good for me. I have historically had a very difficult time in saying no to unwanted advances. Speaking my truth has been a challenge. This exercise was empowering. When he got to my throat, we focused on clearing the many years of silence. We vocalized the fear of saying “no” when you don’t know what the consequences will be. We replaced it with a clear connection to spirit and a new ability to voice personal truth. As Steven massaged my throat, I felt energy running in my second chakra.

Next, we decided to work on awakening my breasts, since I felt a lot of anxiety in them. My step grandfather molested me when I was 11 years old, and I could still feel his hands on my budding breasts. Steven agreed that this was a good place to start. Synchronized breath was an integral part of the entire session. As he slowly and carefully massaged my chest, I felt my heart begin to open. Steven asked permission every step of the way, and I have never felt so loved and supported. As he cupped my left breast, I was overcome with a feeling of gratitude. It was as if my breast was yelling “thank you, thank you, thank you.” My right breast had a different story. As he outlined the circumference of my right breast, I felt rage and fear. “How can I support you?” Steven asked me, as I replied “please hold the space.” Eventually the fear transmuted and, through some pretty tough tears, I breathed light into my right breast (I have lumps in this breast that doctors once thought were cancerous. I am convinced it is the fear I had been holding on to).

My bodily aches and pains all manifest on my right side, my male side. I have chronic shoulder, hip and knee pain. This all makes sense to me now, as I realize I have been cutting off divine male energy to my own body. As Steven continued down my body, we discovered another stark contrast in my inner thighs. My right inner thigh housed remarkable shame, guilt and fear. My left inner thigh felt clear and grateful. I feel this truly symbolizes my inability to connect with God, up until now. With connected breath and high intentions, Steven cleared the old stagnant energy out of my body and replaced it with pure channeled love. He helped create a very safe place where I was able to be fully present.

As the old energy cleared and I allowed the divine masculine to enter my energy field, my body began to awaken. I felt channels of excitement I had never tapped into before. My sexuality, it seemed, was not centered in my yoni or even in my breasts, but maybe in my entire body! From my hair to my toenails, I felt alive and connected to both aspects of divinity. As Steven lovingly honored my body, I heard the same thought in my head, over and over: “So this is what it feels like to be open? Hallelujah!” I felt ecstatic, alive, enlightened. This feeling surpassed any “normal” sexual experience I had ever had.

The Sacred Stag Returns

Before my red session with Steven Jay, I had done a few white events. I had noticed that, with a few of the men I had practiced with, I saw a large stag in their energy field. I had thought this was their animal spirit guide. But then I realized it was mine. The deer stag was symbolic of the divine masculine, and he had finally come for me. I was ready and it was time to speak the truth—my truth. This was the stag White Hawk had drawn 10 years ago, his stately antlers wrapping around my throat.

The sacred stag approaches me. His antlers reach to the heavens, divine antennae to spirit. He breathes light into my crown, opening my channel. He presses his forehead to mine, awakening my sight. He licks my throat, clearing out old messages and disintegrating chains that would bind me and keep me from speaking my truth. He presses his breast to mine and warms my heart with light. His presence seeps into my center and empowers me. His pure masculinity pierces my sacral chakra and his unconditional love anchors me to this earth. I finally feel safe. He lifts me onto his back and carries me down a new path—where two roads converge, masculine and feminine, and I stand strong and true as a whole woman.