I applaud your courage and willingness to go forward in learning self pleasure. While connecting with another woman might be one way to learn to appreciate your body more fully, in the end it will not solve the problem of shame and guilt. I recommend that instead, you start by doing some things to get acquainted with your body. Perhaps you are not ready to jump right in to self pleasuring. One way to begin would be to take some time to look at your body nude in a full length mirror, and practice feeling love for yourself, maybe even saying “I love you” to your reflection. Another great practice is to begin noticing the sensuality of different types of things on your skin, like water, feathers, faux fur, or velvet. Taking time to awaken your senses and love yourself is a great preparation for the self pleasure ritual itself. Namaste, Kypris

One of the best books on this subject that I’m aware of is “Courage to Heal”, by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. However, suggesting that a new partner take time to read through this entire book might be a bit overwhelming to begin with. As a first step in a new relationship, I would suggest that anyone who is working through healing sexual abuse take time to sit down and have a talk about their sexual needs. This also gives the new partner a chance to talk about their needs with you. I would recommend that anyone beginning a new sexual connection have this type of conversation before making love for the first time. While it may not be very “romantic”, it helps to create a closer connection and more comfort once you become sexual with each other, not to mention more pleasure through improved communication!

I can really relate to your shyness about letting your boyfriend pleasure you in this way, but I encourage you to be open to trying it. It may help to try pleasuring yourself first, to get used to the notion of this way of experiencing your sexuality, and also so you can share with him about what you like. I do understand how much shame and guilt can be associated with masturbation. Most of us have been told that it is wrong or dirty or shameful. My own experience is that once I let go of these ideas that other people had given me, I found that masturbation was a really wonderful way to connect to myself and my sexuality, and it also feels really good! As for your boyfriend, it may be that he really wants to please you and make you feel good in this way, and letting him give that to you could be a tremendous gift for him and open you up to a deeper and more pleasureful sexual connection with him.

My mind says this is possible. But, my own fears have never allowed me to reach this level. I do want to love like Osho describes (have also read one of his books…awesome).

Susan Spence

An important concept in tantra is that we say YES. This means that whatever you are doing in the moment is perfect. So if in the moment you are not hard that is perfect too. There are a lot of strokes you can do on the penis that work better when it is semi-erect. Such as bending the penis to point towards your toes and then gently pulling using a corkscrew motion from the base to the tip. We are scheduled to film a Lingam massage Video in Febuary. You can pre-order it from our store.

I really appreciate her courage to write /share I am a woman who has issues as well around being intimate feeling safe ‘ I to was molested at a very young age now mature woman ” I feel the work that your doing is positive for both men & woman ” one question I have is how can you tell A new partner or have them understand and be patient enough for reaching a level of comfort in this intimate setting ? any suggestions maybe books once again thank you for the courage to move past and share Savanah