My Rendezvous With the Sacred Stag

Exactly 10 years ago I sat across from White Hawk, a shaman crone and artist, as she completed my animal soul portrait. The concept was this: She entered a trance state, met with the animal guide(s) most present in your energy field, and incorporated it into your portrait. Two and a half hours later, she turned the canvas around and almost blinded me with the energy she had transferred, colored pencil to paper. There I was, my 27-year-old face almost completely washed out by what she called an “auric, angelic light.” A crown of golden light flowed from my temples and met at the front of my neck, where a beautiful light blue stag peeped out of my energy field. “This animal represents a major life lesson for you regarding your sacred speech, your truth,” White Hawk told me as I traced the outline of the horns that seemed to wrap around my throat. “At some point in your life, you will be confronted with claiming your power here.”

Ten years later, 40 pounds lighter, a health crisis transmuted, an ex-husband and numerous ex lovers later, I began exploring the tantric path. Tantra is something I have always considered a guilty pleasure to consider in my life. I’ve flirted with it for years. I’ve bought books, talked to people about it and basically danced around its edges. I had reached a point in my life, however, where flirting with Tantra would no longer suffice. I needed to either explore a commitment or move on. I felt this truth in my bones. So after another frustrating personal relationship and a date-rape experience, I gave in.

You see, an interesting thing had been happening to me. My taste in men was getting worse as I got older, not better. But not only that, the men I was attracting into my life exhibited strong animalistic urges toward me and acted as though they could not “help themselves” from taking advantage of me. Further, with each man I kept getting the distinct impression that some sort of sexual healing was going on in spite of myself. Now, I am an energy healing practitioner, but this was not a “hands on” healing session. Inevitably I would find myself, yet again, giving in to a sexual experience I did not want. Only this time I kept hearing a faint voice saying “I am healing you, I am healing you.” This truly puzzled me as nothing conscious was taking place. To add an ounce of wonder to the equation, the men were each having what I would characterize as healing crises. I am a firm believer in “healer, heal thyself,” and I decided that if part of my journey here on earth was to help heal other’s sexuality I absolutely had to start with myself.

The Red Road

I found myself in the Yabyummy treatment room, at the cusp of a healing red session with Steven Jay. I’ve received quite a few healing sessions over the past 3-5 years, and I’ve come to learn (finally) that fear is one emotion worth exploring. So here I am. Steven Jay is grounded. He emits a strong, peaceful presence that acts as a sort of tranquilizer. If I squint my eyes just so, I might even be able to see the strands of light connecting him to source. In short, I trust him implicitly and, while I am nervous and my throat is constricted, I am not scared. He could not be more gentle or more strong.

After discussing intention, Steven Jay guides me in a meditation that weaves my roots into the earth’s core. I intermingle with juicy goddess energy and breathe in unconditional love. I exhale anything I no longer need. On each breath I bring the energy up and clear each chakra. At this point I am feeling more grounded, more safe. I already feel very connected to the earth mother, so this feels extra calming and nurturing. However, the next stage of the meditation brought with it a surprise.

As we brought in the divine masculine through the crown of my head and Steven clearly defined the godly dimensions of this energy, I felt overwhelmed with a new knowledge. I was not truly familiar with this energy. Certainly I called on father sky in my own meditation and healing circles. But I had never considered the details of this energy. I realized that I had never truly allowed the divine masculine into my body. With this awakened understanding came a flood of truth for me. If my father, who had abused and neglected me as a child, was my first introduction to the divine masculine, I had disconnected from it long ago. In a matter of seconds spirit showed me all the ways I had cut myself off from the sacred male aspect and also how I had manifested numerous lessons in my life divinely orchestrated to steer me back into the loving arms of the father.

As I envisioned my mother and father’s higher selves as divine masculine and feminine holding me at the end of the meditation, tears were streaming down my cheeks. “Do you feel safe enough for me to leave and get you some tissue?” Steven asked me. I shook my head yes, timidly. “Can you take a breath and ask yourself if you really feel safe?” Steven had a hunch that I was on the brink of some sort of release. I took a half breath and then I cried the tears of a neglected baby, a molested child, a raped teenage girl. He asked permission to hold me as he moved behind me. As he channeled calm, loving, strong male energy I finally realized that all these years I had been trying to reconnect with sacred father through unhealthy sexual experiences. I did not have a relationship with the divine masculine, and it was no wonder I never felt safe and had no boundaries.

As I wept, I released what felt like ancient pain. I relinquished the victim inside me who cowers behind fault. I bade farewell to bloated, painful memories of allowing myself to be overpowered. I cried the anger and guilt and shame out of my bones that kept me tied to being some sort of sexual slave. I cried until, at the end of the tunnel, I saw all the light and godly energy inside every man who had ever been in my life. I focused on that aspect of these men, and opened my heart to new possibilities.

This is How it Feels to Be Open?

At the end of the release, we moved on the heart of the session. Steven Jay and I worked on saying “no” to various sensual requests. Ironically, it was hard to say no for different reasons (I actually wanted him to touch my thigh or caress my cheek), but the practice was good for me. I have historically had a very difficult time in saying no to unwanted advances. Speaking my truth has been a challenge. This exercise was empowering. When he got to my throat, we focused on clearing the many years of silence. We vocalized the fear of saying “no” when you don’t know what the consequences will be. We replaced it with a clear connection to spirit and a new ability to voice personal truth. As Steven massaged my throat, I felt energy running in my second chakra.

Next, we decided to work on awakening my breasts, since I felt a lot of anxiety in them. My step grandfather molested me when I was 11 years old, and I could still feel his hands on my budding breasts. Steven agreed that this was a good place to start. Synchronized breath was an integral part of the entire session. As he slowly and carefully massaged my chest, I felt my heart begin to open. Steven asked permission every step of the way, and I have never felt so loved and supported. As he cupped my left breast, I was overcome with a feeling of gratitude. It was as if my breast was yelling “thank you, thank you, thank you.” My right breast had a different story. As he outlined the circumference of my right breast, I felt rage and fear. “How can I support you?” Steven asked me, as I replied “please hold the space.” Eventually the fear transmuted and, through some pretty tough tears, I breathed light into my right breast (I have lumps in this breast that doctors once thought were cancerous. I am convinced it is the fear I had been holding on to).

My bodily aches and pains all manifest on my right side, my male side. I have chronic shoulder, hip and knee pain. This all makes sense to me now, as I realize I have been cutting off divine male energy to my own body. As Steven continued down my body, we discovered another stark contrast in my inner thighs. My right inner thigh housed remarkable shame, guilt and fear. My left inner thigh felt clear and grateful. I feel this truly symbolizes my inability to connect with God, up until now. With connected breath and high intentions, Steven cleared the old stagnant energy out of my body and replaced it with pure channeled love. He helped create a very safe place where I was able to be fully present.

As the old energy cleared and I allowed the divine masculine to enter my energy field, my body began to awaken. I felt channels of excitement I had never tapped into before. My sexuality, it seemed, was not centered in my yoni or even in my breasts, but maybe in my entire body! From my hair to my toenails, I felt alive and connected to both aspects of divinity. As Steven lovingly honored my body, I heard the same thought in my head, over and over: “So this is what it feels like to be open? Hallelujah!” I felt ecstatic, alive, enlightened. This feeling surpassed any “normal” sexual experience I had ever had.

The Sacred Stag Returns

Before my red session with Steven Jay, I had done a few white events. I had noticed that, with a few of the men I had practiced with, I saw a large stag in their energy field. I had thought this was their animal spirit guide. But then I realized it was mine. The deer stag was symbolic of the divine masculine, and he had finally come for me. I was ready and it was time to speak the truth—my truth. This was the stag White Hawk had drawn 10 years ago, his stately antlers wrapping around my throat.

The sacred stag approaches me. His antlers reach to the heavens, divine antennae to spirit. He breathes light into my crown, opening my channel. He presses his forehead to mine, awakening my sight. He licks my throat, clearing out old messages and disintegrating chains that would bind me and keep me from speaking my truth. He presses his breast to mine and warms my heart with light. His presence seeps into my center and empowers me. His pure masculinity pierces my sacral chakra and his unconditional love anchors me to this earth. I finally feel safe. He lifts me onto his back and carries me down a new path—where two roads converge, masculine and feminine, and I stand strong and true as a whole woman.