Chameleon

Mars Square Mc

“Pleasing anyone, whether they’re a member of your family or a career associate, will be several times more challenging than you’d ever possibly imagined. Any attempts you make to ‘fix’ things could backfire. Why not go with the flow instead?”–astrology.com

This whole pattern of people pleasing, fixing, and caretaking is one that crops up in relationship for me most powerfully when I begin to fall in love. Over the past few years I come to realize that I become a chameleon with my beloveds, and that this is an insidious and painful defense mechanism. Insidious because it is really hard to keep awareness that I am doing it. Painful because it leaves the other person feeling betrayed, abandoned, and lied to. When I fall in love, some unconscious part of myself kicks into high gear to make sure that my beloved keeps on loving me no matter what—and if I’m not careful I simply become whatever I think they want me to be. When it’s happening, it feels like I authentically want what they want, and I really am who I think they want me to be. But at some point later in the relationship, a switch flips and suddenly I come back to myself, usually with a thump. This has been very confusing and painful for my past beloveds.

So one of the things that is so phenomenal about dating but not letting myself “fall in love” or get into a serious relationship right now, is that I am for the first time in my life getting to experience my true essence in relationship with men, instead of this chameleon self that has been having relationships for all these years. I’m learning that I am pretty independent, and that I have very definite opinions about what I want and don’t want in life and in relationship. Lately I’m learning to express these opinions really clearly, and it feels good. It’s progress, and my dearest hope is that the next time I fall in love, that I will stay centered deeply in who I am.